Rap Lyrics That Just Aren't Very Good

An ode to lyrics that just don't cut it.

I Bought Her A Lot of MissMe Jeans, But I’ll Never Miss Her.

This is how Young Thug, who called himself that to show that he is a thug who is also young, demonstrates his alpha maleness. He tells us, the listeners, that out of his infinite generosity he is willing to buy his girl a pair of jeans that cost about as much as a romantic dinner for two, with a starter and an OJ at the IHOP. HOWEVER, our youngest of thugs stresses, he refuses to miss her because he’s got plenty of other girls waiting in line for a pair of jeans.    

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I do have to say though, the song this is from (Blanguage) is a goddamn masterpiece. Mostly because the first line goes: ‘I fucked her then washed off my dick with the curtains inside of the phantom’. I’ll just leave you with that.

Ni**as Think M.O.P Stands for Mop and Shit

I don’t know if that’s how acronyms work. But then again, I am not one of the eminent linguists that is behind the dynamic rap duo M.O.P, which apparently does not, I repeat - does not - stand for Mop and Shit. Which wouldn’t be a very good name in the first place. Also because it can’t, by the rules of the language they seem to be using, stand for M.O.P because S and P are generally considered different letters. 

From a song that brings the diva out in all of us, Cooooooold As Ice (Willing to Sacrifice, Yeah Yeah)

I’m Getting Head in the Car, While She’s Drivin

I feel like this would be a logistical and practical nightmare for both you and your lady, Mr. Chainz. Also, since this little situation of yours probably won’t end well, this would make for some awkward phone conversations between the police and the grieving relatives. 

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Sources say Mr. Chainz is still working on figuring out this cost vs. benefit analysis thing.

From Fabolous’ When I Feel Like It

Can’t Wait To Get You In My Bed, And Now That You’re In My Bed, You Ain’t Ever Gonna Leave My Bed

The fact that this song is a crossover between rap and house doesn’t bode well. It also doesn’t help that it was prominently featured in the Jersey Shore (don’t ask me why I know that). But when you add a little creepiness via potential abduction and spice it up with a suggestion of rape, you are making me lose a lot of faith in this whole rap thing.

(please Wu-Tang, come to the rescue with another album dammit) 

From Can’t Wait by the Midi Mafia

Bitch You Fat, Eat Salad

Minor issues like misogyny and grammar aside, this is some great dietary advice. Its basically a one-size-fits-all solution to America’s weight problem. Just eat some damn salad, Young Dro tells us. 

World, meet your new nutritionist. 

From the song FDB.

Drip, Fuck the Water Bill, We Stay in Apartments

That’s a very inefficient way of showing off your wealth Mr. Chainz. Although I am a fan of apartments, I wouldn’t consider living in an apartment being a luxury because, well, have you been to the Bronx?

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Also, the fact that you don’t care about the water bill only tells me that you are not the environmentalist I had you pegged for. It doesn’t tell me too much about your net worth. A strange boast if there ever was one. 

From the song Black Unicorn